it’s 2:02am and i just found this video from last october of me writing one night. i edited it down to two minutes which is still long but i don’t know how else i would post it. so many emotions rush back over me as i watch this and naturally i’m crying again.
it’s been a long few years since my last full length record. i have felt so high, so low, so invincible, so fucking lost. i have desperately missed touring, i have desperately needed the time away. i was scared i was never going to find real earnest stability, or myself, honestly. i was so scared for you guys to know how lost i felt, although i imagine you guys know me well enough by now to notice these things.
i’ve thought so much about the early days. opening for mike, the swr tours, drinking in the back of sprinter vans, staying after every show to meet every single one of you. i miss it, i miss us. i love it all so much it brings me to tears.
my favorite thing about this next record is that i am not hiding any part of the last couple years, any version of myself, any experience i had or choice i made. i pushed the album back and i thought for months about what songs should even go on it, what versions of myself i should reveal. i was so scared you guys would hate me, or certain parts of me, think ive changed or lost whatever brought us all together here in the first place back when we were screaming 310 bowery and sweating in basement clubs. but i’m not going to hide any of it. i don’t want to, and i also can’t. we’ve never been anything but honest with each other. being 20 something is being all kinds of things, all kinds of versions of ourselves. ones we hate, ones we love, ones we can tolerate at the very least. what a beautiful thing to grow and learn and experience and try again and again. i hope in five or ten years ill look back and reminisce about this next record (and a tour i hope) in the way i so dearly remember all our earliest days together.
this particular song idea got lost in the mix but im so glad i found it again tonight. maybe it’ll have to go on a 2027 record. <3
